First Time on the Floor by Nickygabriel

Starsky was sitting on the floor in his living room and was taking notes for our next exam. The next day we had a test that would decide our future at the Academy. I knew that I didn't have to worry about my future, but Starsky didn't start very well and after three months of learning he was still trying to gain the points he lost in the beginning. He was doing better - everybody noticed that - and after I showed him some of my favorite learning techniques he scored well in every test we had. Nonetheless, he still had points to make up. Dinner was almost ready, but as I took a moment to look out from the kitchen. I didn't have to know him very well to realize how tired he was. He sensed my scrutiny and looked up, smiling briefly. "I'm almost done. Just three paragraphs more," he said sheepishly. I returned the smile. If somebody deserved to be a cop, it was Starsky. If I ever had any doubts - and I did have when I first saw him - that changed completely after today's simulation on the training field. We were the only team that finished the test and I was the only cadet who hadn't suffered any injury at all during this police action. It wouldn't have been possible without Starsky's sacrifice, who stayed with me even during the parts of the test when other teams failed miserably. I watched him until he closed the book and rubbed his eyes. I knew that sitting like that for the whole evening must have strained his back, especially after all the things we had to do in the morning during the skill test. I went to him and sat on the couch behind his back. I knew the symptoms of overwork and the sprained ankle wasn't helping matters. I waited until he finished writing before putting my hands on his shoulders. He didn't turn around, but asked curiously, "What are you doing?" "What do you think I'm doing?" I asked, massaging his shoulders. "If you are at least half as good as the last stewardess I dated, I'm going to fall asleep here in no time," he playfully warned, but sat more comfortably to give me better access to his back. I easily found the tense spots and began working on getting rid of his pain. "Listen, Starsk," I said after some of the tension released, "I wanted to thank you for what you did today. You - you saved my life." I stopped the massage and looked at him seriously. Starsky shrugged. "It was just a simulation," he said dismissively, but there was something in his eyes that bothered me. I noticed it right after we left the field, but I didn't have time to ask. "Don't tell me it was just a game for you," I said numbly. I knew it wasn't for me. "I know we've only known each other only for a few months, but I know it was as real for you as it was for me. You even got your ankle twisted!" I felt him tense again and I took my hands of his shoulders. I didn't want to impose more than I already was. Starsky took a deep breath and said, "Hutch, one day they'll send us on the streets, with real partners. Don't you think these partners should trust us? How can I ask somebody to trust me, if I don't take the job seriously?" I froze. It was there again. Something was really wrong; as if we were talking or living in completely different worlds. And then I remembered how he looked at me when I was pinned down. "Starsky, you - you did it before, right? You already finished that training before?" I asked cautiously. I sensed him shudder, but he still didn't turn to face me. If he really didn't want to talk about it, he would have already told me to go to hell. I felt as if he wanted to tell me something, but didn't know how. As if... I gulped, because all the pieces fell into place. He was the best cadet for shooting, his strategy was always most efficient, and his techniques during the interrogation classes; his nightmares, claustrophobia, and despair to do anything to get me out of the trap. I put a hand between his shoulder blades. Suddenly I felt that if I ever found a partner as loyal as Starsky, I would consider myself the luckiest cop in the entire world. I didn't know what I ever did to deserve such friend, but I swore to do all I could to never take it for granted. "Starsky, were you in Vietnam?" I asked quietly; as if anything more than a whisper could cause irreparable damage. Starsky just nodded. He still wasn't looking at me, but I could see the pain in his face. "Starsky." I slid down from the couch and sat next to him. I put my arms around him as if that was the most natural thing I could do. I wasn't thinking at that moment. All I knew was that I had to show him how much I cared. None of my previous relationships lasted long enough to reach the stage I was already at with Starsky. But Starsky didn't push me away and he didn't move at all after I hugged him. "Hutch," I heard him say in a low voice. "I know it's your dream, but you still have time to change your mind. Ferguson was right when he said that there will come a time when we'll have to kill someone. That changes everything, believe me. You still can resign." He stopped for a moment, but then continued. "I know that almost all of the people who were at yesterday's psychology classes think it's a far future, but trust me, one day you'll have to choose," he finished with a sudden sadness and deep regret in his voice. I let go of his shoulders and sat in front of him so I could see his face. "So says somebody who stood in the line of fire to protect me today," I said skeptically. He shook his head. "That wasn't real." "Real or not, you took it seriously," I clarified and I could have sworn he blushed slightly. "Hutch, it works both ways." He looked me straight in the eye. "You have to be ready to die if necessary." I have never heard him speaking like that. I knew he used what people thought about him against them. They judged him by his appearance and origin, but he was far smarter and cleverer than most of them. He was also wise, as if he wasn't just a man of twenty-five. "You think I don't know it?" I asked anyway. "I've read the vow before I enrolled." He didn't even blink. "I didn't mean the vow. It's easy to die if you know why or for what. But," he hesitated. "But imagine a person very close to you; somebody very, very important. He's your partner... could you - ?" "Stop it," I said, shivering. I knew what he was going to say. "You can't run away from that," he said mercilessly. "You can't hide and think that it won't happen to you; that you'll cross the bridge when you get there. You won't be able to think clearly until you answer that question. I know it, Hutch. Trust me." I closed my eyes for a brief moment. "Why are you telling me that?" I asked bitterly. "I don't want you to go there not knowing how it really is." I looked up and saw in his eyes something I hadn't seen for rally long time. He cared; he really cared for me. That was the second time today he proved it clearly. And that was the first time he put his guard completely down in front of me. I felt a lump in my throat. I knew he deserved at least as much from me. "You know," I whispered plaintively. "I hoped... that one day, maybe, someone would make us partners. Now I'm not so sure..." He met my eyes and he smiled. "You just answered the question," he said with a pride in his voice. "You'll be a great cop." He was right - there was not answer like 'yes' or 'no' to the question about sacrificing somebody important for the greater good. The answer was 'I have no idea'. Only that gave the hope for a better future. I just shook my head, because I realized that it wasn't me who should feel worried about staying in the academy. For some reason, a power that be sent the wisest person on this planet to become my friend and I would have been an idiot if I hadn't appreciated it.

THE BEGINNING by Nickygabriel

One and a Half I followed him with my eyes when he left the academy building. At five in the morning, there were a few cadets training. I did my morning jog already, even twice as long as usual, but I still didn't feel tired enough. The pain I felt wasn't physical; it was far deeper and it ached more than ever. And I was still cold, though the morning wasn't chilly at all. "I don't believe you're up at such ungodly hour," I said when he sat next to me. Starsky shrugged and looked ahead, to where the sun was rising. We didn't say anything for a while - I knew he was waiting until I was ready to share. And if I wouldn't be ready, he would just sit there with me, showing me how much he cared anyway. How could he care so much after having known me only two weeks? One and a half to be precise? "He didn't want to talk to me," I said finally; quietly and calmly. My voice was strange, not attached to the rest of me, but he read between lines; between tones and expressions. He put a hand on my shoulder, but I was so tense I flinched. He noticed, but didn't comment; just took the hand away and rested his elbows on his knees. "Your father cares for you, Hutch. He's your father and he loves you, but he's just hurting now. You chose a dangerous future and he is most probably just scared." I shook my head. "I wanted to go there, to visit. Now that he's in the hospital, I thought that maybe..." I sighed. "But he wouldn't want to talk to me anyway." Starsky didn't say anything. I knew whatever he said wouldn't help at all. He waited for me to add something, so I did. "I thought that if I gave him time, he would understand that I couldn't make any other decision. But now, time is a luxury we can't afford anymore." "You can visit anyway." Starsky looked up at me sideways. That wasn't what I needed. I didn't know what that was, but I had time to figure out it wasn't seeing my parents right now. "It was right decision," Starsky said, sitting up. He put a hand on my knee and I didn't flinch this time. "You know that, huh?" I nodded, feeling the warmth from his hand seeping into me and making the cold go away. "I know," I whispered. He smiled briefly and I looked up at the end of the sunrise. When one door closes, another door opens. Was Starsky my opened door? Nine and a Half Never before I have felt so helpless and alone. It wasn't the first time in the last nine and a half year I kept a silent vigil at Starsky's bedside, but for the first time I really could be losing him forever. For over three minutes the world existed without Starsky; three minutes, one hundred and eighty seconds, longer than the eternity. I wasn't there, but it felt as is somebody was ripping my heart out of my chest. That wasn't surprising at all since Starsky was my heart. Always. I didn't believe the doctors anymore. They said Starsky was getting better, but a few hours ago they were sure he would die. I believed them then, lost all hope, and I gave up. I was terrified by the prospect of the future without him. I was so scared that I couldn't even touch him because if I did, he would disappear. But I fought this fear and now I was sitting by his bed, holding his hand as if the whole future depended on that. And I felt lonely; betrayed. Everyone I've ever loved abandoned me, one after another, leaving just cold emptiness and pain. Since my own father pushed me away, Starsky was the only constant in my life. It was Starsky who listened to me, who loved me, who stood by my side whatever life threw at me. With him I could laugh and cry; yell at the whole world when I couldn't stand it anymore or just sit on the beach listening to the quiet waves. And now Starsky joined the people who were leaving me. No, this time it was me who was the traitor. I betrayed him when I believed that these three minutes would last forever. I rested my head on our intertwined hands and closed my eyes, praying for the resurrection of my hope. And then I felt it; a gentle hand on my shoulder. Tired to the limits, I lifted my head and looked at who was standing there trying to comfort me. "Dad?"

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